01.06.07
Words cannot express the sorrow that remains in my heart even after two years. Tears that spill from my eyes and dampen my cheeks do not do justice to the pain. Gazing at the shelves full of her possessions makes me feel as if my heart is being squeezed. I long to see her again; to apologize for being a horrible sister, to shower her with hugs and kisses, to tell her how much she meant to me, to just love her. Yet I never will in this world. For the time being, I cherish the memories that remain. The ones that seem to flash before my eyes makes me feel as if I can’t breathe. The sorrow constricts my airway as it turns into sobs. Asma, my precious Asma.
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No one knows how I feel. Not unless they, too, lost someone dear to them. And even then, they won’t know. People may try to understand by relating my life to theirs - but that is just it. What I have gone through, no one else has gone through. Not even my brothers or my parents understand the way I feel because my relationship with Asma was different. Nor can I completely understand how they feel because they had another, special bond with her. So in that sense, NO one can entirely comprehend.
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Looking through the sixth grade year book, Asma’s last year though she stopped attending, I get feelings of anger as I wonder why it had to be OUR Asma. That anger subsides immediately once I answer my own question – Qadr. This leaves me with a quiet feeling of sadness and guilt. I think about the unopened letter from the junior high she would have attended in the ’05-’06 school year. It was a very early welcoming letter. She left it for my dad to open, which he didn’t because he wanted her to open it. Now it sits there, in our cupboard, gathering dust. No one will open it. Sometimes I take the letter out and just hold it in my hands. I look at it and get lost in my thoughts. When I put it back, I taste salt from my tears. Oh Allaah, it is as if Asma vanished from our tight embrace.
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This was written as I was organizing Asma’s cabinet to get the house ready for ‘Eid (which didn’t get done). I wrote as things came to my head, so it may be a bit jumbled up. Please keep us in your du’aas. jazakumAllaahu khairun.
