01.26.07
Where Have The Days Gone?
Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu Â
Most of you have heard about our brother Zuhair, aka NaseehaMan, passing away. http://talk.islamicnetwork.com/showthread.php?t=12647
I guess I feel the pain of this death more than I would otherwise is because he and my sister had so much in common…
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Message to Zuhair’s loved ones:
Ever since I heard this, I have been crying on and off. If any of Zuhair’s loved ones ever read this, I just want to say that I am very sorry for the pain you have to go through. It will always be with you, but life does go on and you will be happy inshaAllaah. Other times, you feel just as sad, if not more, then when he first passed away. Nothing will ever take your pain away, but the thought of Allaah and His Mercy contents me when I think about my sister. Read the Qur’aan, it will take your worries away. Zuhair and his loved ones will be in my du’aas inshaAllaah. May Allaah accept him as a shaheed and reunite him with those he loved in Jannatul Firdaus, ameen.
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His death brought back so many painful reminders. Above all the painful reminders were the memories of my 12-year old sister. I think of the day of her funeral. My family, some relatives, a family friend, and I set out to the funeral home to wash Asma’s body. I hadn’t cried too much that early morning except a couple of times. Then I had to sign the ‘contract’ before washing her body. It set in that her death was final. I tried to steady the pen that was shaking because of my trembling body. I could not sign it, the tears blurred my vision and spilled onto the paper, smudging the other signature (of my mom). I cannot remember if I actually signed the paper. I do remember someone taking the pen from me.
Then I rewind to the moment I found out she passed away. I was waiting outside for somebody to pick me up from school because I had gotten a leaving permit. I was so scared that they would inform me of Asma’s death. I pushed that to the back of my mind and reassured myself that it was a missed dentist appointment. So when my brother finally picked me up, I smiled hesitantly and once I got in, buckled up, my brother told me that Asma passed away. At first it didn’t register. I looked at him, bewildered. Then I screamed his name, twice. Why I did that, I do not know. I barely remember that car ride back home except that it was the longest drive from my school to my house ever.
Then I fast-forward to when the janazah prayers were held. It was in the basement of the masjid. I just remember crying silently, people barely noticing me. [Actually, when we went for Hajj the next year, a woman we bumped into coincidentally said that she remembered Asma. She remembered the day of the funeral, when my three brothers were embracing each other. She did not even notice me, Alhumdulillah.] I almost choked on my gum I forgot I had in my mouth and in that moment I thought - oh no, if I die right now, what will happen to my mom? Oh my heart, my aching heart. I can’t explain how I felt just a few hours ago, crying to myself. It was as if my heart was being pulled away from me. I felt so helpless. Now I just keep shivering for some reason. When I want to cry, I feel myself exhausted and lightheaded so I content myself with just a few tears. I was thinking, I wish I had somebody to hug. I am too shy to go to my parents and cry with them about Asma. I will hug them otherwise, but I want to hug somebody, with them knowing why I am so sad. At the funeral, I had everyone to hug. I had everyone to cry with. Now I have no one for one reason or another. But, “He who has no one has Allaah”….Alhumdulillah ‘ala kulli hal. Forgive me for my rambling, I just needed to get all that out without crying for 5 hours.
