03.20.08
Posted in Islaam, Random at 9:41 am by salafiya
Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
My emaan is a bit low presently. I can feel my heart hardening too. I know it’s due to my sins (of which there are many) and I know what I should do to solve it (repent sincerely & regretfully & make the resolve to never commit those sins again). I tried doing that too. However, there’s something different now.
When I usually repent, I can feel myself getting lighter. My heart and soul feel better. I can almost feel the sins being lifted off of me. SubhanAllaah but now, I feel just the same as before repenting. Ya Allaah, how bad have I become that I can’t make myself fear Allaah enough so that my repentance truly means something to me and has a better chance of being accepted?
Please advise me, what do you do when you fall into this type of rut? I desperately need to get out of it. It’s so amazing that when the emaan is down, life just doesn’t have the same meaning anymore. I need to get back to my normal self at least (even though that’s not good either, but it’s better than where I’m at right now).
I know the basics…listen to the Qur’aan and contemplate on the meaning. I would be doing that right now but I’m currently at my college and I forgot my card at home so I can’t check out headphones. Oh well, I guess I’ll just read the Qur’aan from the computer screen and contemplate it. But what else should I do besides this and increasing the remembrance of Allaah (Alhumdulillah just checked, I remembered to put Husnul Muslim in my bag)?
 I went googling and I found a poem about emaan. This pretty much describes my state right now:
 What happened to those days when my Emaan was strong?
When I wouldn’t dare think of doing anything wrong
When my yaqeen in Allah(swt) would lead me through
The good and bad .. the old and new
What happened to those days when my du’aa was sincere?
When there was absolutely nothing on earth that I would fear
When I was certain that Allah(swt) was really near
And would run to Him and leave all that is dear
What happened to those days when I could read and recite Quraan well?
When I bought al-janna and this dunya I would sell
When my heart was pure and all full of light
When my qiyam was my only source of strength and might
What’s wrong my nafs .. why did you fall?
Don’t you know that Allah(swt) knows and hears your call?
A little test like this one shouldn’t beat you so
It shouldn’t pull you down to a level so low
Don’t you know that Allah(swt) chooses what is best
And that this is all a previously planned test
Don’t you know that He(swt) hears your soul .. He(swt) hears your cry
He(swt) sees you fall… He(swt) sees you sigh
Allah(swt) is Great… Allah(swt) is Al-Hakeem
His ways are just no matter how dark it may seem
Hold on my nafs to the fireball in your palm
Hold on to it and when it burns act calm
Whenever it falls, bend down and restart
Let those tears fall and wipe that heart
Remember my nafs the beauty of the promised firdaus
You know it’s your dream to build there a house
Get back on your feet and go back to those days
I know this only a passing phase ..
Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?(55:16)
Permalink
03.05.08
Posted in Asma at 2:06 am by salafiya
Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
Allaahu Akbar I miss my sister. I was just looking through our stash of photos, as I occasionally do. I found one picture of her at her school. It was Open Day (I think that’s what it was called) and that was the day she was diagnosed with cancer. subhanAllaah, even though she had been through other illnesses, she still looked healthy. But looking at her pictures after she started receiving chemotherapy, she never looked the same. But her spirit was just as high throughout the remainder of her life.
The pictures reminded me of so many memories and I sometimes fall into the trap of “what if” or “if only”. I went to an AlMaghrib class recently and a couple of my friends brought their younger sisters along. How I wished I could have brought Asma. Their younger sisters are close to the age my sister would have been (15ish) and that hurt even more. I love these girls and du’aa that Allaah gives them and their families the best (Ameen). Even so, at times I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I let a couple of tears fall during the class regarding this. I was doing so well too about not crying because of my sister at the class until the shaykh mentioned the story of a little girl who had died. I would’ve cried even if Asma was not on my mind because it was a beautiful, sad story. But the fact that it reminded me of Asma made me hurry out of the class because I knew I would soon start crying out loud (instead of quietly weeping). And even before the door was shut properly, I couldn’t hold my sobs in. inshaAllaah the class didn’t hear me (since the door was still on its way to completely shutting). I felt like a drama queen though…especially when my friend came to console me. Alhumdulillah for friends like that, who make you laugh even while you’re crying, who cry with you, who hug you and say they don’t know what to say but they still remain with you.
You know, I miss the fights too. My friends sometimes have fights with their younger sisters and that reminds me of my fights with Asma. When we were young, we’d get into physical fights lol. No one would find out, it would only be for a few minutes and then we’d sometimes start laughing or usually we’d just not talk to each other for a few hours. Once, I turned the light off on purpose because I knew she was afraid of the dark (if she wasn’t in bed). Asma got scared and punched me in my stomach. It did not hurt and I was about to laugh, but I decided to make her pay so I cried (without tears haha). Asma panicked and gave me her inhaler (she thought that would help me) and kept saying ‘TAKE IT, TAKE IT!” because she was so worried. I laugh every time I think of this memory, even though I feel really bad about what I did.
Ahhh, it’s been awhile since I talked about Asma on here (publicly OR privately - usually now I have password protected entries when I talk about her) and it feels good to let it out.
May Allaah grant all of my family, friends, the Muslims, and myself Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen. InshaAllaah when we make it to Paradise, I’ll introduce you all (readers) to my sister. Maybe we can all sit around the Nabi sal Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, listening to him recount his life (inshaAllaah!). Alhumdulillah for Islaam….these thoughts are what keep me sane (that I have a chance of reuniting with Asma again inshaAllaah along with meeting the rest of you).
Anyways, erm, I have a test on Thursday and it’s 1:04 AM Wednesday morning so I should really start studying. Make du’aa I do well on the test and finish both of the research papers (and everything related to them) on time. jazakumAllaahu khairan
 Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
Permalink
