03.05.08
Missin’ her
Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
Allaahu Akbar I miss my sister. I was just looking through our stash of photos, as I occasionally do. I found one picture of her at her school. It was Open Day (I think that’s what it was called) and that was the day she was diagnosed with cancer. subhanAllaah, even though she had been through other illnesses, she still looked healthy. But looking at her pictures after she started receiving chemotherapy, she never looked the same. But her spirit was just as high throughout the remainder of her life.
The pictures reminded me of so many memories and I sometimes fall into the trap of “what if” or “if only”. I went to an AlMaghrib class recently and a couple of my friends brought their younger sisters along. How I wished I could have brought Asma. Their younger sisters are close to the age my sister would have been (15ish) and that hurt even more. I love these girls and du’aa that Allaah gives them and their families the best (Ameen). Even so, at times I couldn’t help but feel lonely. I let a couple of tears fall during the class regarding this. I was doing so well too about not crying because of my sister at the class until the shaykh mentioned the story of a little girl who had died. I would’ve cried even if Asma was not on my mind because it was a beautiful, sad story. But the fact that it reminded me of Asma made me hurry out of the class because I knew I would soon start crying out loud (instead of quietly weeping). And even before the door was shut properly, I couldn’t hold my sobs in. inshaAllaah the class didn’t hear me (since the door was still on its way to completely shutting). I felt like a drama queen though…especially when my friend came to console me. Alhumdulillah for friends like that, who make you laugh even while you’re crying, who cry with you, who hug you and say they don’t know what to say but they still remain with you.
You know, I miss the fights too. My friends sometimes have fights with their younger sisters and that reminds me of my fights with Asma. When we were young, we’d get into physical fights lol. No one would find out, it would only be for a few minutes and then we’d sometimes start laughing or usually we’d just not talk to each other for a few hours. Once, I turned the light off on purpose because I knew she was afraid of the dark (if she wasn’t in bed). Asma got scared and punched me in my stomach. It did not hurt and I was about to laugh, but I decided to make her pay so I cried (without tears haha). Asma panicked and gave me her inhaler (she thought that would help me) and kept saying ‘TAKE IT, TAKE IT!” because she was so worried. I laugh every time I think of this memory, even though I feel really bad about what I did.
Ahhh, it’s been awhile since I talked about Asma on here (publicly OR privately - usually now I have password protected entries when I talk about her) and it feels good to let it out.
May Allaah grant all of my family, friends, the Muslims, and myself Jannatul Firdaus. Ameen. InshaAllaah when we make it to Paradise, I’ll introduce you all (readers) to my sister. Maybe we can all sit around the Nabi sal Allaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, listening to him recount his life (inshaAllaah!). Alhumdulillah for Islaam….these thoughts are what keep me sane (that I have a chance of reuniting with Asma again inshaAllaah along with meeting the rest of you).
Anyways, erm, I have a test on Thursday and it’s 1:04 AM Wednesday morning so I should really start studying. Make du’aa I do well on the test and finish both of the research papers (and everything related to them) on time. jazakumAllaahu khairan
 Assalam Alaikum Wa Rahmatullah
